My Daily Tarot: PTSD + Love

Well, here’s MY daily tarot.

1. Two of Cups – Totally oozing love. This card is so fitting. Last night, my partner stayed the night and we had a really nice night together. We’ve been having some communication problems lately, and had a small argument yesterday. He was not contacting me until I contacted him first (which is a game I call the “stalemate” game), because he felt lonely and isolated from me. Well, I hadn’t meant to make him feel this way at all. I passed out the night before and slept for an alarming 14+ hours, waking up in a total panic, my phone dead, rushing to plug it in to see if I had missed any texts or calls from him. Nope. I knew something was up, so I did what one of the lovers on the traditional Two of Cups card is doing— extended my hand. Made the first move. We talked the issue out until apologies were made and true feelings were confessed. He feels like a failure because I have been showing signs of slipping back into really bad depression. We talked about how my PTSD is still very acute right now (my trauma is only a year old), and how unfortunately he can’t just swoop in and fix my mind. But, we agreed to keep in the forefront of our minds the fact that I am dealing with what is hopefully the end of the worst, and things WILL get better. We agreed that our situations financially do indeed suck, and sometimes our goal of being able to live together in a place of our own seems like it’s never going to manifest… but we cannot give up. He ended up coming out of his gloom and just coming over. We definitely made up, and I’m still feeling those loopy love feelings six hours after he left…

2. Three of Swords, Reversed – “You are on the path to recovery”. Here is another card that speaks to me really intensely, because it has to do with getting over a painful event. I am getting over some devastating, life-changing events, and the road to being healed is long and full of setbacks. I have been incredibly down lately because it seems like my progress is being erased. Upon further introspection, I have come to the conclusion that this isn’t a setback. PTSD has its seasons. For me, the seasons are literal. I have a lot of sensory triggers relating to the weather, what it felt like when “X” was happening. My trauma was basically spread out over the entire year of 2012, and here I am, approaching winter of 2013. I’m still alive. I’ve found some sources of happiness. I have some drive and motivation to get back up— I fell so hard and have been sort of just laying in the spot I fell, mentally. This card carries with it a warning message that I resonate with very strongly, and that is: you can feel the pain and accept it, but don’t get stuck in it. I have a problem with getting stuck in grief-mode. I’ve often commented that if I let myself truely cry and feel all the pain inside, I will never be able to stop. I think this is a reminder to not get caught in that trap again as I am facing another season of triggers and memories that have to be dealt with.

3. Queen of Swords, Reversed – Okay. I admit it. At my worst, I am the Queen of Swords reversed. Bitchy, mentally unbalanced, and guilty of creating problems in my head that weren’t there to begin with. The messages of this card are often interpreted as “your emotions are distorting your reality”. An interesting interpretation I came across today that REALLY resonated with me (and kind of scared me):

“You need to be vigilant about remembering to take any medication that you are on, and this would also be a good time to make sure that women in your life that you care about are doing the same. If you have concerns about your health or the way your memory is functioning, this is an important time to seek medical attention. Be honest with your health care provider, even about things that may seem small.”

Uhhh. Okay. First of all, I am on a ton of medications. I frequently screw up and take too much or too little, and despite my constant claims that “it’s no big deal, I’ll regulate it tomorrow”, it really IS a big deal. One of my family members actually asked me yesterday if I’ve been taking my meds right.

Secondly, a good friend of mine who also suffers from PTSD, among other mental issues, is going through a very hard time as well. I have some suspicion that she is doing some medication mismanagement to the MAX. Perhaps even taking medication that she isn’t supposed to be taking. Or that isn’t medication at all, if you get my drift.

Thirdly, I have been concerned about my memory. Suddenly I am experiencing weird little gaps here and there, completely forgetting entire conversations that others (mostly my partner) SWEAR we had just days ago… as well as feeling like I’m not sleeping but blacking out at night. Waking up with no memory of what I was doing before I fell asleep. Maybe this is just a trigger for me and that’s why it’s bothering me so much. But, I am very fearful of raising any new issues with my doctor. I don’t want to find out any bad news. I know, I know. Wrong mindset entirely. This really feels like a pretty blatant message to me right now, though. I’m going to make it first priority tomorrow to get back into therapy, as well as to schedule another doctor appointment. Sigh…


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