Two Paths Spread (self)

Just watched this video – http://youtu.be/N5DlAYKFXdg

I want to get better at spreads, so I decided to just think of two choices I’m faced with right now and follow along. 

My two options: 1. Continue pushing and fighting to get temporary disability for my crippling mental health issues, or 2. Say fuck it and attempt to plunge myself into the workforce (attempt to fake normal). 

As you’ll see in the video, the first card represents the querant and the second one represents what is blocking them. My card #1 was the Six of Wands, Rx. I have fallen from grace, I feel that I have failed myself and everyone else, and I’ve messed up my moment to shine. Card #2 was the 10 of Swords, which I take to mean that I’m blocked by this self-destructive mindset of almost martyrdom. All of those awful things that happen in the 10 of Swords (hitting rock bottom, crisis, betrayal, endings, the unwanted death of the old self along with the holding on to the shattered remains of what WAS for dear life… I cross myself by holding on to immense pain. 

So you then make two paths of three cards each. Row #1 is Choice #1, with a card representing how you’ll start out, what challenge you will face, and what outcome you will meet. So here’s what I see laying in front of me right now…

Choice #1: If I choose to continue the process of denials and appeals with disability (which could involve much more actual strategy and tact than you’d think), I will start off as The Fool. Naive, energetic, but overly idealistic. Teetering on the edge of a cliff, totally unaware that I’m about to walk right off of it. The challenge I will meet is none other than the King of Pentacles, whom I have come to see as my partner Rene. He is, at his best, such a dead-on King of Pentacles in the flesh. At his worst, he can be more like the Knight of Pents. But I see this as meaning that the wisdom that he holds which is the down-to-EARTH and practical (and balances me out so well since I am the opposite), this wisdom will interfere with my plans. Relationship problems will occur because of what I’ll have to do. And, I will be choosing to deny his practical and always err-on-the-side-of-caution advice, which I always know deep down is the best advice. But I’ll choose to rebel from good advice… and my outcome will be the Strength card, Rx. Continued reliance on other people for EVERYTHING. Continued resentment, slowly bubbling up in the crock-pot of my mind. More lashing out in emotion and lack of self-discipline. Will I get disability? Unsure— if I don’t, then this needs no further explanation. If I do, this is saying that it WILL NOT solve what I want it to solve. The problems will still all be there. It won’t help.

(That’s not what I want to hear, FYI.)

Option #2? The seemingly impossible option, one that I feel very strongly would be a bad idea, and also one that I know deep down I am not even close to ready for. Going out and applying for menial jobs even though I strongly feel that I will be setting myself up for potentially catastrophic failure. But, it would be a way to outwardly show those closest to me that I am trying (sigh… because they’re giving up on me, and they have no idea how much self-work I’m doing and how much I’m trying to change my attitudes and improve my entire way of looking at the world, after pretty intense trauma last year). 

Following this path, the very beginning point is the Magician Rx. The Magician is “The Manifester”, the one who makes things happen. Reversed, his power is distorted. I feel that this distortion renders his immense power almost useless (if not sinister in nature). Personality disorders and communication problems. Lack of education, lack of credentials, lack of skill. Yep. I will then face a challenge: 4 of Wands. This one I’m still not entirely sure I interpreted right, but I think what it’s really saying is that I will actually experience positivity and success, but that I will be unable to even recognize or acknowledge happiness. (That sort of sums up a lot of my life story, pre-trauma.) The outcome I face will be the Two of Swords Rx… a mental impasse, mental confusion, the interference of lower emotions, being stuck. 

It would appear that neither choice has a favorable outcome, but the video I linked to above suggests that when you still can’t figure out if you’ve got the green light or the red light on any of it, notice things about each choice. Particularly ratio of reversals to uprights (Choice #1 is favored there), as well as considering what SUIT best describes your end-goal. I would like to see positive changes occur in my Pentacles ($ and material stability) field as well as cups (emotional states). Just now I notice something… I didn’t get a single CUP card. I got cards of every other suit, a court card, a couple Trump cards… but no cups. This says to me that both of these choices still won’t put me in a better emotional state, and that the only Pentacle card I got was in the position of a challenge, not a blessing. 

Lastly, they say that the Major Arcana cards speak the loudest. Choice #1 contained two. Choice #2 contained one. 

Back to the first two cards: I was able to recognize them immediately without consulting my journal (woohoo, I’ve been getting better lately!)… they are the kind of cards that I get sometimes and I just want to punish my deck by making it spend the night outside in the cold or something (don’t worry, I’d at least give it a blanket. I’m not THAT cruel). 

Ugh, yes, I know. Six of Wands Rx. Thank you for reminding me that my progress in getting better has been “transitory success”, and that almost none of my former friends have stuck around to give me any feedback, and that I have thus fallen off of my horse and fallen prey to delusional and unbalanced thinking. And then, thanks for that extra “stab” (pun intended) by reminding me that I’m being blocked by this:

… which I know is referring to my negative attitude about my Six of Wands Rx mindset. Martyrdom. Learned helplessness. Inability to TAKE THE SWORDS THAT ARE STUCK INTO MY SOUL OUT, which must occur if I ever expect the wounds to heal.

Sigh. 

Just out of curiosity, I laid down another row for Choice #3, one I try to not count as a viable option because it would mean a total upheaval of my life and everything would change. Hospitalization. And I don’t mean a short little stay to clear my mind. I mean intensive reprogramming of EVERYTHING. This is my worst-case scenario option, but I’ve kept the information about a couple of places that I could theoretically go if it gets bad enough. 

Death Rx, 8 of Pents Rx, and outcome: the Devil. 

No thanks on that one. 

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