I just did a self-development spread on myself…

Weird.

So I started feeling this vague but growing sense of… blah. Icky-ness. It’s hard to give it a name, but it comes often and usually lasts for a long time and makes me have panic attacks. (Note to self: craft a spread re: impending senses of doom.)

I was thinking about things like… That shitty thing my boyfriend did last night, and how I’m in what seems like eternal PMS, and then it got real deep, and I was thinking about Robin Williams killing himself. This is very sad news to me on many levels.

Okay, yeah, but I can usually just ground myself and feel better.

I picked up my cards. Shuffled.

The 7 of Wands popped out at me.

This card, to me, screams “fight”. Having the upper hand still, but struggling to stay on top. Success is near but it has to be fought for— now is NOT the time to give up. Well, that is comforting. I have been fighting for something (awaiting my disability claim to finally be completed so that I can finally afford the bare essentials in my life… and hopefully begin to get back on my feet…) and against something (mental illness). I have felt like I’m drowning lately in the latter, and I am so tired from that fight. It’s hard to even summon up the energy to continue the very important first fight I mentioned. I have felt like the thing I’m fighting against is sabotaging the fight for the thing I need the most. The 7 of Wands acknowledges that immense struggle and reminds me not to give up… I’ve come SO far.

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I spread out the cards and asked for advice… The Knight of Wands. II Chuckle— ahh, I’m such a tarot nerd. I’ve given my boyfriend 2 cards that describe his personality— one being the King of Pentacles which describes him when he’s at his best. The Knight of Wands is him when he’s NOT at his best (at least in the context of our relationship). This card, to me, appearing as advice might be telling me to try to deal with my struggles as though I were the Knight of Wands. This would make sense, as it is a personality very opposite to my own. Where I am introverted, sensitive and easily wounded, the Knight of Wands moves so fast through life that he/she doesn’t even have TIME to sit around ruminating. Get up, go out, follow creative instincts, discover the vein of passion that is always there but sometimes isn’t felt and tap into it. I’d have to really shake myself up and leave my comfort zone. Honestly right now I’m kind of feeling like… the 5 of Cups? So my advice could be: get out of the freakin’ cups and chase some fire.

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The advice could also be to confront my Knight of Wands boyfriend on his Knight of Wands like actions lately. I’m leaning toward the first interpretation though.

I asked for guidance. The Seven of Cups.

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Oh come on, cards…

I generally don’t see the 7 of Cups as very clear in the context of guidance. This card (to me) points out a lot of confusion and sometimes delusional thinking. It speaks of having a lot of choices but you just don’t know which one to choose… emotions are distorting clarity. To be honest, the connection I have personally with this card isn’t very positive. It speaks to me saying “your mind can’t be trusted right now” and it urges me to really focus on that thing I mentioned above that I’m fighting against. It’s crazy too (no pun intended, FOR SURE), how as I was writing just minutes ago about feeling lost in my cups, and I open my tarot journal to the 7 of Cups page and see “it may be all in your head/lost in your cups”.

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It also says that you are seeing a whole bunch of choices, but in reality there aren’t that many options. The choice to be made is in how I define myself.

Sometimes the 7 of Cups appears when you are very depressed and apathetic, feeling unsure of what you were so sure of before, and recent events that have caused you to question your entire life. All of these things are how I am feeling. But. I asked the cards for GUIDANCE… so what is the message here?

Aim at achieving a proper balance of imagination and reality, emotions and intellect, love and hate. Aim away from self-harming ways of escapism. And, just relax and know that even though there is a choice that lies ahead, you don’t have a deadline on it. If unsure or unclear, don’t act. That’s good wisdom for me right now, big time.

I asked for hope. Get this. I got the Tower.

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Shit! Not the Tower! As hope? My first thoughts were of course “oh no, we’re gonna break up… or I’m going to get kicked out… or I’m going to have a total mental breakdown…” I think any time we’re reading for ourselves (or others I guess) and a card starts to cause us anxiety, we need to stop and adjust the “zoom” on our reading lens a little. I’m asking for hope… and all of those fears and anxieties that just scrolled through my head are certainly not hope.

When the Tower appears, what kind of hope can we take from it?
Hope in a big shakeup that’s going to bring about big change. (Well, isn’t that what I need right now?)

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Hope in a radical change in perspective.

Hope in the creation of a new LIFE that is only possible when the old one which wasn’t working has been adjusted.

Hope that hey— you know and admit that you need something major to change, but you’re lacking the strength and clarity of thought to know how to do it yourself, so just brace yourself and let the universe take care of it.

Quite a hard card to accept hope from, indeed, but when I really think about it, I know the wisdom it has for me…

And finally, I asked for comfort. I drew the 2 of Cups.

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My initial reaction: this is telling me not to worry about my relationship. Take comfort in it, in fact. There’s a lot of mutual respect and love there. The yin yang symbol is in my journal on this page reminding me of the balance of opposing energies that exists in my relationship right now. It is truly the first healthy, healing kind of relationship I’ve been in, and it looks like it’s gonna last. Sure, we butt heads… but the 2 of Cups reminds me that this is the nature of relationships. It tells me to stop the grudge game and allow the wall to come back down. Choose my battles. Yes, he hurt my feelings last night, and I sent him an e-mail about it this morning letting him know how it made me feel. I’ve done my part, now it’s time to stop being stubborn and harboring resentment. That’s only making me feel like total crap right now.

As I write this, he’s texting me smiley faces and being friendly again. I’m not one to beg for apologies, I simply want resolution and that requires acknowledgement of the problem.

This wasn’t a planned exercise, but it ended up being extremely helpful for sorting out my thoughts.

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