When I looked over the questions for today, I knew that these cards were going to be serious. I thought about the questions for a minute or two. I pondered what cards might come up. This spread-a-day challenge has been searingly intense thusfar… there have only been a couple of days where I didn’t totally 100% resonate with the cards that have come up. I thought about the cards that would make sense… and the cards that wouldn’t make so much sense…
I started to shuffle.
DAY #27 SPREAD
- What am I overly emotional about?
No SHIT! Of course. I knew somehow that the 6 of Swords was going to show up in this one.
The Six of Swords speaks of slow healing, moving on, transitioning out of pain, making mental progress, etc.
I’m not going to waste time writing about the card, but about what it means to ME.
There is a LOT I need to figure out how to fully “leave behind”. I feel guilt, I feel sorrow, I feel… crushed.
2. What am I appropriately emotional about?
8 of Cups
Well, there’s one part of my personal tragedy that I feel was my… fault.
Right before it happened, I made some bad decisions.
A lot of people assumed that I had been going wild on drugs or something, and that’s why I left. They’re wrong.
Some said that it was because I was homeless. I challenge that stance with great voracity— I do not agree that simply being homeless makes a person DESERVE to have such a thing happen.
But, I did do something wrong. I left a situation of relative comfort— an apartment I was sharing with someone. I was not doing well emotionally, and for several years, I felt the call of the great escape… but I knew it would be wrong to just get up and leave. I feared the unknown too much.
At some point, I hit the end of my rope. I snapped. Someone walked into my life and asked me to follow them into THE UNKNOWN for REAL.
It took me a long time after I came back from the wreckage, after my “Tower” event occurred, to even consider the fact that I selfishly left that person with my share of the bills. I simply could not make the payments that month. Instead of asking for help and looking for some more sane way of exiting my unhappy situation, I decided to say FUCK IT! I threw myself to the wind and let it carry me…
Guilt. I have to allow myself to feel guilt, even though it HURTS. It hurts to admit that I did someone wrong. This is an emotion I should not dismiss as irrelevant because there is a lesson in it that I must learn.
3. What can I learn to be more emotional about?
For many reasons, I consider the Emperor to represent my partner (or my relationship in general). I don’t want to elaborate on that right now.
I felt this was pointing to my relationship at first, but wanted to read up a little more on the Emperor before forming a judgement. I have done so and am fully convinced now.
I am an Aquarius, and the “detached, cool” element of my personality sometimes tries to make me look cold and callous. I’m NOT— no, I’m the furthest thing from it. I don’t allow myself to fully FEEL emotions correctly, ever since my last relationship. I struggle constantly with trusting my current partner, despite being together for almost a year and a half.
Sometimes he says things about my detached, “unloving” sort of energy toward him. This can be so confusing, because I am so very in love inwardly. Expressing my emotions in LOVE, in a healthy and safe way, is not exactly my forte right now.
Very powerful reading for me…