I haven’t been posting any original tarot-related material for quite a while now. I feel this vague sense of needing to apologize to my followers, but also of needing to write about WHY I’m not doing many readings/writing/spreadcrafting. Maybe I need to better understand it myself.
1. I’ve been experiencing a sort of creative paralysis lately.
I have time and tons of ideas. I’m even going so far as to jot down most of my ideas for later revisiting. I have some new creative tools to start playing with as well– an online friend sent me some clay, which I’ve wanted to have and use for a while now. But I just stare at this lump of clay, still covered in its cellophane wrapper. And my mind goes blank. Then, a sudden surge of anxiety floods me. (Okay, this is definitely about more than just the clay– any time I sit down and attempt to write, do readings, create something…)
I have a bad anxiety disorder, and to go along with that, a case of IBS that is becoming concerning. I have a referral to see a GI doctor. But when I look at that paper, and then at my phone, and then at the time, boom, it happens again. Anxiety roars through my body. I feel the all-too-familiar feeling of my intestines twisting up. Lately there has been a lot of pain involved too.
“No, I will do it in the morning,” I say. I get up and start feverishly arranging things in my room or begin to clean out a drawer or sort through a box, and then another distraction comes along. A text message. Oooh, I should check Pinterest. Oh, there’s a picture I’ve gotta show Rene later.
… and suddenly, my expanse of time… precious uninterrupted time, is over.
2. In less than two weeks, I have a major court hearing that will determine a great deal of my living conditions, priorities, etc., regardless of the outcome.
Have I been scared to read my own cards about this? Yes. But I’ve done it anyway. In some ways I am excited by what they’re telling me. The fact that I keep drawing cards that indicate major change, justice, and financial security is just reassurance to me that I am still connected to the Divine in my practice of tarot meditations.
But I am kind of… paralyzed there too. I have this nagging feeling that I should be doing something to mentally prepare myself for this. I tend to delve into intellectual and spiritual pursuits when life around me is getting confusing and unclear… but is this the right time to spend time doing free readings for people on the internet? Am I focusing enough on what is coming up in my own life?
Some cards I’ve been getting lately in my daily drawings…
One that comes to mind is the Queen of Cups.
She has appeared as the last card in my three-card draws a lot of times this past month. I know exactly what she’s saying to me, too. I’m growing to recognize her face in my Cosmic Tarot deck as the lady who is reminding me that the best way to deal with whatever is going on right now, as well as in the upcoming future, must be dealt with gracefully. Emotional breakdowns, “losing it”, or becoming too attached to the outcome… this can’t happen right now. I have to stay emotionally centered. I have to take special care of my emotions. I must do everything I know is necessary for staying emotionally balanced– this includes taking my meds, getting enough sleep, nourishing my body, and staying out of unnecessary conflict.
Another card I’ve seen a lot lately is the Knight/Prince of Pentacles.
A practical, by-the-book approach.
Slow but steady movement into the resolution of physical needs. Building financial security.
Going over the fine print. Communications via mail. News delivered– don’t misread it.
I like the Knight of Pentacles in that they are the “least Knight-like” energy of all the Knights. Some say the Knight of Cups is the least Knight-like, but I would beg to differ based on one factor: he is loyal and steadfast. This is not a quality that the other Knights have down yet. They lack follow-through.
Something that occurs to me as I write this is the way others view the Knight of Pentacles. They see him as slow, overly meticulous, and sometimes even lazy. I’d go so far as to say that they doubt that he will succeed. But they don’t know what’s going on behind those stoic eyes. He’s got a plan, and just because he doesn’t like to gab about it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. He goes his own way, takes his time, and takes care of his physical health in order to keep up his strength. I can relate to this, as I have many days that to others may appear “lazy days”. If only they knew how much I’m actually doing…
I’ve been seeing the Nine of Pentacles and The Sun a lot too lately.
So, there are my